Friday, August 11, 2006

Sex Appeal

It seems that August 14th is ‘Half’ Valentine’s Day. Now these are those dreaded days which remind me about my miserable single status. My life has become as barren as the parched Telangana lands. Such infertility, that some of my cells commit suicide on a regular basis by drowning themselves into water. I am unable to stop this cellular genocide as I am incapable of providing them with their counterparts with two X chromosomes. Like the Indian Government, all I can do is provide them with promises and packages. But I am not sure how long I can manage this way.
Yes, I did try my luck with the members of opposite gender. And all I got was the realization that I did not have the magical four-lettered word. Luck. (No, I am not thinking yet about its rhyming partner, which is more appealing.)Those who met me, never came again. I did hear from some common acquaintances that I had a repulsive odour. Now, this, I knew was a blatant false claim. After all, I regularly have a shower on 5th of every month. In addition to this, I also avail the complementary spray from the MCH every monsoon, which keeps not just the germs but even big mosquitoes away.
I approached the Ministry of Youth ‘Affairs’ to help me set up a date. They agreed support me under their Scheme for Promotion of Adventure. After all, spending time with unpredictable species like girls is no less than an adventure. They promptly (i.e. after 8 months) sent me an application to be filled with a few supporting documents like Caste Certificate (may be they din’t want to disturb the endogamous nature of our society), Birth Certificate (Moron, if I was never born, then who the hell is sending you this application), Age Proof (Does my desperation to reach you, with full knowledge of your bureaucratic redtapism, need any more proof of my withering age?), Ration Card as proof of my BPL status (Impoverished people eat meat. They don’t play with it)
Anyways, I managed to get all except the ration card. I decided to forge one. But for that the DTP guy wanted to have a look at the original. I approached my servant maid. She looked puzzled and asked, “What card?”. “Ration card”, I replied with maximum stress on ‘Ration’. She replied with an air of obviousness, “At the moment, I have Credit Card, Debit Card and SIM card and my boy friend has an AGP card and WLAN card. But never heard of Ration Card” Before I could react, she excused herself to reply to an SMS from her boy friend. I was as frustrated as seeing my inbox filled with spam advertising Viagra.
I finally did manage to send the application. It was returned saying that I had to submit to the MRO, who would then forward it to the District Collector. He would then send the documents for verification to the issuing authorities. There would then be a personal verification by the Special Branch of the City Police. After confirming the veracity of my claims, my application would be forwarded to the State Secretariat. Since, the programme is partly funded by the Centre, a copy would be forwarded to the Ministry of Youth Affairs, who would make a parallel verification. I protested saying that if they followed the whole process, what I would get is not a girl to take me to the bed, but a nurse to take me to the bathroom. He promptly (0.08 seconds) put down the phone.
I approached an NGO, Youth for Equal ‘Opportunity’, to help me take up the case. They gave me an ingenious idea to file a RTI application with census department so that I can get a list of all eligible, or rather, available females. I finally managed to get 22 contact numbers, The first one had a very stern recorded message “This facility is not available in your telephone”. The rest also had the same message in rest of 20 regional languages that appear on the currency notes.
Miraculously, the last one clicked. The female very coyly replied that she would date only with parental consent. I jumped with joy with some potential chances in vicinity. My parents would give consent for anything that would keep me away from them by 500 meters. She soon killed my nascent hope when she clarified that parental consent meant her parents. What? Me going to her home to ask permission? What a cruel comedy! Leave alone entering her home, in my present status even the stray dogs won’t let me into her street.
But it is not that I never dated any female. Thanks to Internet, may Eros bless who ever invented it, I did meet a girl whom I met on the chat. The moment I saw her, it was Kuch-Kuch -Hota-Hain for me. But unfortunately, and as usually, the Kuch-Kuch-Hota-Hain was not in my heart, but in my stomach. She appeared like a creature straight from some genetic engineering labs in Zimbabwe. She dressed up so jarringly that I never understood which was her skin, which was her dress and which were her accessories. She spoke little, ate a lot and had some childhood affinity for monosyllabic replies. And when she spoke, it was mostly over her mobile. Of course, I never got what she spoke. Her monosyllables, laughter, giggles and burps, all sounded the same - like the Jurassic Park ringtone which I use to identify my dad’s calls. Later, I realized that Blind dates are meant for only for those who are not just blind but also deaf, dumb and mentally challenged.
I have lot more, but would like to save them for Full Valentine’s Day. All those who know of any available members of the opposite sex, please recommend me to them. For every successful referral you would be eligible for a free aquatic screensaver.
All those singles who want express their solidarity with me can treat this as a mercy petition which would be forwarded to the President of India. All petitions, be it about sex or stray dogs, are usually sent to him and I don’t want to break the convention, though that guy himself was not successful with females. (Wonder who gave him the title "Missile" man.) So please sign this petition by leaving your comments.
Update: I have been married for sometime now. But I must confess that it has been as disastrous as my dates!!!!

30 comments:

Goofy said...

atlast the funny post is here....but with sarcasm at the Indian government which you so sincerely want to join....

is this irony or hypocracy...only the unknown person from other species might answer.....so keep wating for the answer also

Cosmic Voices said...

no hypocracy abt it.... just my genre of humor..... try to laugh away what you cant change...

And I myself can give this clarification..... no need for someone from other species, who are instinctively programmed to misinterpret, misunderstand and misinform

Sridhar(mutRupuLLi) said...

Great stuff boss....biting humour..
I am just about as romantically challenged as you....
So I temporarily am showing my solidarity to you...(at the moment i am baiting someone...if she catches I am out..)
But I don't think we should be forwarding it to the President..for all you know, he may want us to continue our penance with much more dignity and spread Brahmacharya across a over-populated country. We should probably send it to some of our more Cassanova ministers..( we have plenty of them don't we...) or probably write to Bill Clinton ask him to raise the issue in UN or wherever he goes when he feels like speaking..

Cosmic Voices said...

point noted sridhar..

I think Dr. Kalaignar would be the right choice... he got lucky not once or twice..... but thrice.....

Sameera said...

who is this other species person :o


anyways nice post cosmic dude...looks like the desperation is makin u do stuff..

lol@the proof of age thingy
and ur posh maid :p....
parental approval ...lol

i still think u were a lil harsh on the blind date ..that came quite close :p

the dress is something u can help after spendin a while :p

Cosmic Voices said...

me harsh on the blind date? Your feminine sympathy is preventing you from seeing the evident fact that it was the other way round. Poor me :-(

gokul said...

1st 2 paragraphs were very good... after that it was more like bartaheyudu scene where the old woman goes from one office to the other for her husbands ex-gratia..

kuffir said...

you have a natural talent for humour.. hope you retain this when you have to become 'civil' and have to 'serve'.

Cosmic Voices said...

I am sure I will retain it... what can be more comic than working with our politicians, preparing drafts of legislative acts (the way u pointed out in ur post on EGA)...

I would not just joke, but even become the subject of jokes... Joke, Joker and Joking would merge... nirvana

arasubalraj said...

funny, loved it!
thanks for spreading our cause!

thulasiram said...

Rofl stuff dude.....its nice when someone laughs away stuff like this....there is potential for humor in everythin in life.....

Cosmic Voices said...

Thanks Buddy.... :-)

It feels great to get comments when the blog is inactive.

Anonymous said...

Hey--- ,

You're so hilarious. The way you described it--- it tickles! ---and the way you described your blind date...it was funny. I loved it.

Heart

Cosmic Voices said...

Thanks :-)

Glad that liked it.

Mys Lyke Meeh said...

Lol!!!

Poor creature straight from genetic engineering labs in Zimbabwe, her date's Kuck-Kuck-Hota-Hain was not in his heart but in his stomach (Hahaha, I don't know what's that mean but it sounds so amusing!

Did she really burps in front of you?Like a Jurassic Park ringtone (Hahaha! This line amused me straight to my bones)

You have a regular shower on 5th of every month and mosquito's away complimentary spray: (lol) Sounds like a man!

Humorous post! Anyway, just bloghopping! Take care.

Anonymous said...

meeru ammayilani chala chulakanaga maatladutunnaru..I don't think everybody will be like that.

Cosmic Voices said...

@ Mys Lyke Meeh

Thanks for the nice words!!!

@ Anon

Dont take it seriously, ma'am ... It was meant to be fun

smile on.-) said...

nice one. thats the art of putting not so colourful things in a colourful way.
with complete sympathy for ur half valentine's day status, i would wanna congratulate u for ur successful efforts to make the readers smile..(okay laugh..)

Cosmic Voices said...

Thanks.... glad that I have succeeded :-)

r v said...

g kalakreenga , nice post, i liked it very much , really i gotta talent to write , keep on blogging . ( now i came to know that the reason for ur single status , lolz)

Cosmic Voices said...

@ RV

Thanks!!! I have exhausted all urban spaces. Help me find someone in the forests.......plllleeaaasseee

Cosmic Voices said...

@ RV

Thanks!!! I have exhausted all urban spaces. Help me find someone in the forests.......plllleeaaasseee

Sadhvi said...

Hi! truly hilarious !

I just happened to come across ur blog by chance and i am happy that i found a writer here.


Should i say smthin...
Why not comic voices instead of cosmic.... :)

Cosmic Voices said...

@ Sadhvi

Thanks!!!

I did not get your "Why not comic voices instead of cosmic.... :)" :-(

lily said...

I had a similar blind date experience with a guy I met on internet.
I thought he is blind when he is staring at walls while talking to me...

Adithi said...

Should you really anounce your married life to the world...Wouldnt it hurt ur spouse? I mean..who knows..things can better in the future..."Picture abhi baaki hai mere dost" :)

Cosmic Voices said...

Picture khatam ho gaya dost :-P

Adithi said...

wow..sorry for tht.....wait..then, you can holla at me ..lol ;)

Cosmic Voices said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cosmic Voices said...

Yea.......Waiting :)