Sunday, February 12, 2006


So it has been written, so it shall be ...The CODE

1. Thou shall NEVER rent the movie, "Chocolate".

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a mate's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not, and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a mate out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 4000 percent).

7. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another bloke who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 screwable babe scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a mate's refrigerator is forbidden. You may whinge only if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a mate's birthday is strictly optional and probably shows you are a poofter.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your mate is trying to crack on to is your legal duty. Should you lose all sense of perspective and get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your mate is forbidden to speak of it, even at your
bachelor party.

12. Before dating a mate's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate a deep knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean and down a six-pack.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for mates who help you move is beer, and more beer.

16. A man must never own a cat, or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whingey friend up with your mate, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your mate and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood or shipping out to the Antarctic or Alaska.

19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless babe with huge bazookas ... and it's free.

20. Unless you're in prison, you never, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must ALWAYS remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a mate is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this bloke needs is a bloody good boot up the arse!", then you may sit back and enjoy.

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice arse. Are you a Sagittarius?"

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last party pie, but NEVER both.
That's just plain shitbag mean.

25. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, for your sake, you better be referring to his beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in heaping shit on a mate, except when she's withholding sex depending on your response.

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

28. If a mate is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him ... much too poofy!

29. Never spew in a mate's car after a big gutful of beer. Always make the effort to throw out the window.

30. A mate's missus is totally off-limits for screwing, unless he invites you to screw her, and he joins you and watches.

Disclaimer: This was a forward mail.

Where did I go?

OK, I can hear people now asking me, "Why the hell a blog when you cant even make a post once a month?". Now, don't remind me of the truth no one has ever visited my blog, let alone comment on it or worry about the lack of updates. And infact, the servers were happy that they dint have to host another dozen bytes of junk. Yes. I have achieved new levels of despicability that not just humans, horses and house-flies, but even inanimate objects like servers, screens and CDs have also began to get disgusted with me.

I was pleasantly surprised that this blog still existed despite my inactivity for over 2 months. Probably, the guys who run this are as lazy as I am. As you might guessed from by now from my incoherent, inane and insipid statements, that I wouldn't have reason, substantial or otherwise, for not posting anything. And, of course you are right.

Just like a lot of other things I do, this blogging too was a creation of my impulse to do something which I always wanted to do, but ended up postponing for the day when girls can dress faster than the time involved in making the dress. But then finally the day did come! Yes. Mallika Sherawat proved me wrong and I ended up starting this blog.

But then little were I to realise that something that was triggered by Ms. Sherawat would end up having her stamp all along. No wonder my postings are as sparse and scanty as her patches of linen. So now you know whom to blame for my meager postings.