Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Why the hell a blog?

So why the hell a blog? I don’t have the money to buy a book and a pen. So I decided to key down my thoughts here. Or may be I am so chronically connected to my computer that I am deeply dependent on it to satisfy all my social, emotional, intellectual and sexual needs. OK, let me clarify here that for the last mentioned segment I just use the monitor, keyboard and the mouse to watch all those real beauties with virtual assets. Let me reiterate that I never use any of the drives (no matter how hard or soft they are), COM, LPT , USB ports or any other holes, sockets, cavities that have been created manually, accidentally or providentially.

But then why post them online? Well, I suffer from a perennial hallucination that people are always eager to hear my thoughts on various issues, both terrestrial and extra-terrestrial. That my views show an intellectual depth that is next to only Chomsky and influential breadth next to only Kissinger. That I am the Chosen One to provide the world with information that is unbiased by corporate funding and commercial advertising. Of course, when the hallucination wanes (remember it only wanes, never disappears), I do hear people saying that I show characteristics of human being who had brain transplant from an earthworm, that I am a nuisance to humans, threat to animals and an irritant to insects. But soon the waning ends and I am back to keying my thoughts on some serious issues concerning the global well-being such as why my street dogs prefer electric poles and not the telephone poles.

Now if you have doubts on my popularity, let me dispel them. The US army has the obtained all the rights to the use of my works. After those embarrassing images of sexual abuse in the prison of Abu Ghraib, they were doggedly searching for new means to extract information from their captives. They claim that after one reading of 100 words of any of my posts, they give all the information needed by the officers. But more than this, what made them my die-hard fans is that with the reading of additional 100 words they even predict future terrorist attacks. But then there are those hardcore who don’t reveal a bit. For them, the third 100 words are read. Yes, you got it right. 300 words in a single day is lethal. Of Course, the Geneva Conventions explicitly mention that POW should not be forced to read my works. But then who cares. Every officer in the US army is the real world existence of Colonel Saito.

At the moment NASA is investigating my impact on Martians, FAO on sea-weeds and WWF on Tse Tse fly. The progress is a bit tardy due to the high mortality rate among the scientists and protests from Greenpeace over the environmental degradation. Despite that, the lure of creating the ultimate WMD, drives every major armed force, except Pakistan, on this research. A classified CIA report says that the normal state of Pakistani soldiers is an equivalent of my hallucinated state, when it wanes off, they become dictators and if it is cured, its a really big IF, they die.

So guys, leave those silly so-called adventurous activities like bungee jumping, sky diving and marrying (yes, you jump there too, but the risk is infinitely greater than the others though the height you jump from is no greater than your arm's length) and take to the new fad of reading my blog. It truly tests your limits of survival.

Photos: David Ellis

Source: morgueFile