Aditya - The Telugu (Mu)sick Channel

OK, guys. I can’t take this anymore.

Everything about the channel is gaudy. The sets, the VJs, their wardrobe. The backgrounds are those free aqua screensavers which are offered free by pop-ups. Occasionally the fishes change. Nothing more. R-9000 series of shops or Funtoosh seems to sponsor the wardrobe for the female VJs. Her colours remind me about the walls of my playschool. And her fits are a nihilism to the fashion industry. She has redefined the concept of Anti-fits. Even women naxalites in Adilabad district have better fits. And her voice? It sounds as if her larynx has a permanent coat of sawdust.

The callers would begin speaking only after a half-a-dozen “Hellos” by the VJs, which sound like the Telengana version of “Smells like a teen spirit”. May be Cobain knew this and hence decided to die. And the callers? The lines of Aditya channel are part of a CUG. The same people keep calling at morning, afternoon, evening, night, midnight, yesterday, today, and tomorrow and even in 2020. Infact, the VJs have propounded a new theory that that if you call once, then it is always easy to get connected subsequently.

We can understand family doctors, family attorneys and even family plumbers. But family VJs? That is what they translate into. The callers are so few and so frequent, that the VJs enquire about the engagement of their uncle’s cousin’s father-in-law’s second wife’s fourth’s son. The chatter, banter (if you can find a shittier form of speech, please substitute that) would then continue to enquire whether the potatoes for the dinner were peeled or mashed. After that, every homo sapien in their home would talk to the VJ. If one of them is answering a nature’s call, then the VJ would talk to the dog, till he returns. Probably, the callers and VJs are parallel cousins. Else, who would call those lousy idiots.

And the reasons for dedications are frustratingly silly. A guy calls up and asks the VJ to wish his friend success in the next days’ exam. Where the heck will “success” come if both are hooked to the TV? You should slap the caller twice. Once for thinking that wishes for examinations could be given through songs. And again for choosing Aditya TV. To rise to the IQ levels of the caller, the VJ plays a hot, uncensored, steamy song for the occasion. I am sure both would be fiddling their groins next day. I pity the evaluator who corrects the script.

The program where request letters are read is another trauma. The bloke who reads or tries to read wears a purple shirt, which even a brinjal will puke at. And the letters? Ahh, what a pain they are. The first paragraph reads like “About Us” page on an under-construction matrimonial website and the last one goes on to dedicate the song to every alternate person in the telephone directory.

My unshaken belief is that the letters have just two lines, “Anna, zarrrra Samarasimha Reddy cinema nundi aa Lux Paapa paata veyya radhe. Maa inti kaada maa thammunki, baavaki, akkaki inka maa kukka ki aa paata ante masthu isshhtam.” (Brother, play the song “Lux Paapa from the movie “Samarasimha Reddy. My sister, brother and my dog like it). I know that was not the best of telangana, but something similar to that would be there on the letter. The first and the last paragraphs are actually added by the dispatch clerks of the administrative wing. But even that they cant do convincingly. Some of the letters are read for such a long time that you wonder if so many words could be fit on an A4 sheet without becoming microscopic. At least the bloke who is reading could pretend to turn the pages.

The moron then seeks to clarify certain ‘doubts’. A sample: “While writing pet names, please write in Telugu. You have written “Pandu”. I wonder if should pronounce it as ‘Pandu’ or ‘Paandu’”. Mere Baap, It is fine as long as you don’t pronounce it as Gaandu.

You tolerate all this hoping for some nice song. In all probability, the song would be from a dubbed Tamil movie. And even those Urdu speaking Hyderabadis, who never speak Telugu even if their bottoms are burning, would know that the movie was neither dubbed nor released. Kalanidhi Maran, at his stingy best, dubs the songs at Gemini TV studios in Somajiguda. Probably, that is one reason why Aditya TV has the distinction of being the only music channel in the world which does not display song credits.

This channel is sooooooooo sick that you cant even watch the commercials. Till date I thought Jaya TV had the worst sponsors and ads. But, seems (Karuna and Kala)Nidhi wont let any distinction, good or bad, go to Amma. Consider this. The sponsor of Prema Kosamai is Suguna Water Pumps. So when a romantic song ends, you would find a farmer pumping (don’t ask me what) and then suddenly his wife gets an electric pump and they are happy ever after. The others are no better. Bromark Chicken, F***all Iron Rods, Playboy Matrimonial Service……

I hope, as an Ugadi gift, Maran would please take the channel off the air.