Sunday, June 11, 2006

Affirmative Action and Reservations – The Missing Links

The recent reservation debates, while drawing comparisons with Affirmative Action (AA) of USA, fail to highlight the proactive facet of AA. AA is superior to our reservations both in letter, spirit and scope. While the Indian reservation system extends to the Government sector alone, the historic Executive Order 11246 issued by President Lyndon Johnson covers almost 200,000 government contractors and sub-contractors.

This article, while quoting Adarand Constructors v. Pena fails to inform the background of the case. The case challenged one of the remarkable components of AA, the minority set-aside programs. These require the Federal, State and Local Governments to set aside a percentage of funds exclusively for minority contractors. Such provisions are glaringly missing in our reservation system. Public Works Employment Act, 1977, which was the first legislation to implement set aside programs, was challenged in the Supreme Court by white contractors and the Supreme Court upheld the law in Fullilove Vs Klutznick. Sadly, the Bhopal Declaration, which touted for such measures, hibernates in the UPA's Common Minimum Programme.

On the AA front, the Supreme Court of USA has played a pioneering role upholding it and ensuring that it is followed in various aspects inter alia education, recruitment, entrance tests etc. Some of them deserve a mention here.

The Regents of the University of California v. Bakke, in addition to ruling in favour of racial preference for disadvantaged groups, also held that “the goal of achieving a diverse student body is sufficiently compelling to justify consideration of race in admissions decisions” and that being a minority group could “be deemed a plus in a particular applicant’s file”. Unfortunately, in India, instead of recognizing the role reservation in ensuring diversity, it is treated as a sop to the deprived classes.

In the United States v. Paradise, the Supreme Court upheld the District Court for the Middle District of Alabama’s rulings with regard to discrimination in the employment of black trooper. In 1972, the court ordered to hire one black trooper for every white trooper till the percentage of black trooper reaches 25, when it found that in the past 37 years not even a single black trooper was recruited. After 11 years, when the District Court found that the progress had been tardy, it followed up with the order of promotion of one black trooper for each white trooper elevated in rank. On the contrary, in India, most of the reservations go unfilled and administratively get reclassified as “Backlog Vacancies”.

On the issue of entrance tests for employment purposes, the U.S Supreme Court, in the Griggs v Duke Power Company (1971), ruled that the Civil Services Act banned discriminatory employment practices that cause exclusion of disadvantaged groups, when it cannot be shown that those practices relate to job performance. The employment practices include intelligence tests and minimum education qualifications. Further, to ensure that the practices followed relate to job performance, the court ruled that the correlation between high scores in tests and high job performance must be shown by the employers.

In Albemarle Paper Company Vs Moody (1975), the Supreme Court ruled that culturally biased tests were illegal even if the employer was not discriminating intentionally. In Connecticut et al Vs Adele (1982), the same court said that using culturally biased tests were illegal even if the state promoted more blacks than whites. Infact, till the Civil Services Act, 1991 was passed, most recruitment processes followed a practice called Race Norming where additional marks where awarded to the minorities to offset the cultural bias in the tests. In sharp contrast, glaring cultural biases like testing English vocabulary in exams like CAT and predominant usage of English as the medium of tests have gone unchallenged in our country where most of the disadvantaged students are tutored in vernacular medium.

Such comprehensive and detailed implementation of Reservations is sorely missing in India. Yes, we can’t compare AA with reservations. They have a far wider, deeper and more honest reach.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Godavari - Celluloid Sweetness

A movie that deserves more than one post. I hope to make atleast one detailed post in the near future. Actors, photography, music, lyrics and background score - all merge as harmoniously as the waters of Godavari, the Paapi hills, the hues of sky and the rays of the sun. Veturi’s lyrics are truly beautiful. When a lyrically challenged guy (me) could understand and appreciate (though not completely) the song “raama chakkani seetaki...”, it shows how beautiful the lyrics could be for those who can understand them fully.

eDama chaetanu Sivuni villunu...ettina aa raamuDe
ettagalaDa seeta jaDanu taaLi kaTTe vaeLalO

That Rama who could lift Siva’s bow with his left hand
Can He lift Sita’s plait when he ties the Thaali?

I would love if someone can post the rest of the lyrics. Or atleast give me the links. If it is with transliteration it would be good and if it has translation (even selected lines would do), it would be great.

Thanks Shekar Kammula & the team for not letting me down.

Check out the lyrics and the song here

For a more beautiful description (not review), check these Ramblings on Godavari

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

N.Ram and maR(a)N - Comrade at Arms

When I made this post, I thought that the doomsday prediction was limited to Tamil Nadu. But after I came across this, I realised that things were far worse than I thought.

What is worse is that "The Hindu" has refused to publish the article by Sevanti Ninan, whose column "Media Matters" is one of the best critical evaluations of the Indian media.

I had known since long about Hindu’s DMK relations. No, I am not referring to the coincidence that “N.Ram” is almost a palindrome of “Maran”. Dayanidhi Maran’s wife is the grand daughter of Rangarajan, the publisher of Hindu. The refusal to publish Sevanti Ninan’s article just reaffirms Hindu's hidden vested interests. I am yet to comprehend what was so “legally risky” in the article. Remember, Hindu had the clout to get a stay order the very next day from the highest court of this land when they were threatened with warrants and a person no less than the Solicitor General appeared for them. A court which takes ages to solve basic problems of the most deprived sections such as the ousted tribals, gas leak affected victims etc was ready to hear even after the official hours. Such a newspaper calling the article “legally risky” is as genuine a reason as to say that they ran out ink while printing and hence the article was omitted.

And while a few people would aware of Hindu's duplicity, they would earn accolades by publishing articles like this. A very intelligent way to masquerade their immorality. This post, which I also referred to in my previous post accusing Hindu of bias, raised the questions of caste composition of the Hindu management and their ownership pattern. While Mr. Varadarajan slams the media in general and his ‘previous’ newspaper in particular, can he or his Big Boss, Ram tell us how diverse is Hindu’s editorial staff or what steps have they taken to increase inclusivity. Or why the card-holder refuses to give his employees a share in the company?

Hindu should learn that in the age of blogs and sms, it would be difficult to carry on their hypocrisy forever.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

'Under'Cover Stories - Sex, Lies and Surveys

I stopped reading magazines ever since India Today carried Natasha Singh’s suicide on its cover page. And the way tabloidification of magazines has happened since then, I never had to regret my decision.

A recent edition of The Week (unable to fish the hyperlink) chose to carry on its cover a survey on sex at workplaces. Initially it dint interest me as I neither have sex nor work. You see I have this disastrously repulsive combination of being both ugly and unemployed. And literally, neither lady nor luck, smiles at me.

But then I decided to have a peek hoping against hope to find some alchemical formula to liberate myself from virginity. I remember how few years back I ran to a book shop when I knew a book called 'Losing Virginity' was released. On reaching there, I realized that it had everything other than what was written on the cover. These magazines too are something like that.

India Today did some similar survey and every forgotten female made news by just commenting on what one clumsy female commented in it. So did Outlook and virtually every other magazine except our dear Frontline. They believe in Real Story. Everytime. In case of sex that would be disappointing at its best and depressing at its worst. One common denominator among all these stories (no, I wouldn’t call them surveys) is that they never tell you anything that you dint know.

They would begin talking about the increasing stress in urban life, failing relationships, work pressures and then go on to tell you how sex is fun, stress busting etc etc. Wow! Revelation indeed. I swear I never knew that till I read these stories. I always thought that sex was for artificial insemination in men, and to produce broiler babies in women.

And then a couple of couples in coupled positions. A few bold (I mean the font, not the content) titles about relationships, marriages, divorces, flings, preferences, positions etc etc. But whom are they trying to surprise. Every kid knows that these days sex and infidelity fit as good as six and nine. I know that was gross. But I am happy that I was able to comment on relationships, preferences and positions in one go and that’s what people seem to like these days. Considering the popularity of sex and the falling visits my blog gets, I too plan to have a new section, “Sex”.

To add a technical touch, you would have a sociologist, psychologist and, of course, a sexologist who tries hard to look sexy from the small passport size photo beside his byline. This one in the Week, recommends nipping causal (read sexual) relations in the bud. So now we are going to have two departments in the HR, one to prevent sexual harassment and one to prevent sexual appeasement. The first would ask the guy to take his hands off the girl and the second would ask the girl to take her hands off the guy’s hands so that they can then ask the guy to take his hands off the girl.

The survey itself was crap. 47% were not aware of casual relations. So with close to half of the respondents blissfully unaware of what rocks their cars, tables and lifts, how accurate would the survey be. Another sore was “No Comments”. For god sake, you are not a chargesheeted politician speaking to the media. With anonymity assured, why can’t you open your mouth and speak something which you have been dreaming, speaking and hearing ever since you passed out of your kindergarten. And damn those who make the survey. In a population of 1 crore they can’t find 1000 people who can answer all the 10 questions.

I won’t start preaching the media on socially responsible journalism as I know they are not going to desist from such surveys and news in future. But what I wish is that they should be useful.

For Example:

1) Top 30 Firms (with the full postal address) whose proportion of female employees is atleast 75%

2) Among these, top 20 Firms where the average age of females is less than 25 years

3) And finally, the top 10 firms where the standard deviation from 36-24-36 is less than 1.213

4) Top 5 approach lines

5) Next 5 approach lines

If they fail,

6) Top 5 cover-ups

7) Next 5 Cover-ups

If they too fail,

Repeat the survey with the next 30 companies in the next issue.

Iteration to continue ad infinitum.

For pre-marital sex, please replace firms with schools. And please don’t ask people like Khushboo and Sania for comments. One is too old and the other hardly went to school.

Additionally, annual subscribers should be rewarded with complimentary details. Something like one-year subscription should get you the first names, two year subscription, both first and last names and three year subscription should get you both names and mobile numbers.

Do this and I assure that the editors can laugh their way to the banks and readers to the beds.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

DMK Victory - Manufacturing Manufacturing Consent

Now that the DMK has come back to power, it would be keen to fulfill its promise of free Colour TV with cable connection. While giving colour TV would not be much of a problem (atleast logistically), the cable connection could prove to be a tricky issue.

The Government could start a state-owned service provider. But if it does, then I am sure it would not be allowed to compete with other providers as Kalanidhi Maran owned Multi System Operator (MSO) Kal Cables Private Limited would take a beating with the low pricing of the state-owned service provider. If the state-owned service provider is to provide service exclusively to those households which got the free TV, then it would be a perpetual loss-making organization, which no modern fiscal-deficit-conscious Government would be ready to bear.

They could alternatively consider the telecom way of dividing the state into circles and floating tenders for license with a rider that the Government-specified households should be given free service. This too the Government would reject as there is every possibility that Jaya TV would garner substantial licenses. Also what about those circles which are financially unviable?

So what I figure out is that the Government would go for the DTH option. The State-owned DD Direct would be a non-controversial choice and since DD Direct also beams more than a dozen private channels, the DMK Government could pass it off for something as good as a cable TV. The biggest advantage would be that since DD Direct is free (you only pay for the set-top box), the whole investment would be a one-time affair.

So far, so good. But things don’t seem to be as good as they look. When I checked out the DD Direct FAQs, I found that Sun TV is the only Tamil Channel in the offing. Of course, people wouldn’t complain because Tamilians equate Tamil satellite television to Sun TV as the others have extremely pathetic content. Jaya TV was trying to spruce up, but I find that Sun TV as too deeply ingrained in the Tamilian psyche to be dislodged by Jaya TV.

With this, for the first time in the history of Indian television, we would have a channel which has 100% reach. With such a reach, their advertising revenues and stock prices would go to unimaginable heights.

Now look at the grip DMK will get out of this. Literally every household in TN will now watch Sun TV. By the time the alternative sources of news like newspapers reach, they would have a whole 12 hours (considering the earliest eveninger and discounting radio) to inject into people not just their news, but also their views. So when Jayalalitha returns after 5 years (that is obvious) and decides to arrest Karunanidhi ( this is more obvious than the previous one), you would find the whole state being burnt by a frenzy mob ignited by the DMK cadre and fuelled by the Sun TV’s doctored news. For that matter, they can do this for any of their needs.

In case, DMK manages to get another term, then the state would be another West Bengal in the making where people since their infancy would be brainwashed with DMK’s ‘contribution to TN’ and oppositions’ failures. Every kid would grow up thinking Jayalalitha as a corrupt lady who owns stories of sandals, saris and silver, while Karunanidhi was the crusader who was fought against impostion of Hindi., emergency and Jayalalithaa’s cruel mid-night arrests.

Combine this with other facts, Maran’s newspaper acquisitions, Eveninger Tamizh Murasu and a daily, Dinakaran with a predatory Re 1 pricing. Add to this the rumor of his desire to acquire 33% stake in Tata-DTH. à la Manufacturing Consent in the making.

In a single move, Karunanidhi and subsequently the Marans (they have shrewdly marginalized Stalin who might end up as the former next CM) have captured power, money and control. All this under the disguise of sincere fulfillment of a pro-poor election promise. Whoever said that the DMK manifesto was the real hero of the DMK’s success, would do well to give the due credit to the script writer for such a Kautilyan plot.

At 83, Kalaignar rocks !!!

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Sania Mirza - The Secretarial Saga

Seems there is no end to the Govt’s appeasement of Sania Mirza. The latest I hear is that the Chief Secretary of Andhra Pradesh (or the Home Secretary) has to personally deliver the Padma Sri award, which she did not collect when the First Preacher of the nation was giving away at the Ashoka Hall. Apparently, the Bhagmati Begum was busy losing a set or a skirt or both at some county tennis tournament.

There could be nothing more demeaning than this. A civil servant with more than three decades of distinguished service, who heads the state administration, is reduced to a mere delivery boy. I won’t blame the protocols. Those who must have devised it would have never imagined that the Padma awards would be given to such persons whose claim to fame is disproportionate to their legitimate sources of talent. No wonder the likes of Romila Thapar, Kanaksen Deka and consistently reject these awards. There is a longer rejection list here and here.

The C-block guys at the Secretariat would tell stories of how they were hounded by her dad for the 20 lakhs, that’s after looting the exchequer of 99 lakhs (some Bata-conomics there) in cash and a lot more in kind. After cornering humungous amounts through endorsements, inaugurations, ad campaigns and virtually every possible method to sell herself, encroaching on Govt's paltry resources in plain audacious shamelessness.

I would not repeat how she has used her non-sporting resources like dress, drama and diatribe to corner the scanty sporting resources leaving the out performing persons like Humpy, Anju George and Joshna Chinnappa, to name few. That someone who couldn’t manage to win a single Open, is given this award is itself a vulgar joke. I just hope the Govt. mends the rules. If someone can neither make it to the awards function nor have the courtesy to depute someone, then they should be asked to collect it from the cloak room of the nearest railway station. Please don’t ask senior bureaucrats to do such derogatory task of delivering awards to some bimbette who has no idea where her t-shirt ends, where her skirt begins and where that ends. (All the three cozily coalesce at a single line.)

I still tolerate all this nonsense with the fond hope (or rather desire..) which I expressed in my previous post. If that’s not going to happen, then with shotgun on her forehead, I am going to make her dance with Balakrishna and Mohan Babu for a hardcore Rayalaseema flick.

PS1: My regular visitors, if there are any and if they are still alive and sane, would be relieved to note that I wouldn’t be posting till second week of May. Got an exam on hand. So, people, wish me luck while I let you live in peace.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

India Fashion Week 2007 – A preview

Now that both the fashion weeks have come to a close, here is a preview of what to expect next year.

  1. More splits and Chennai, Kolkatta, Bangalore and Hyderabad have their own fashion weeks. At Chennai, Karunanidhi accuses Jayalalithaa of diverting the cloths meant for Tsunami relief to the fashion week. At Kolkatta, only red garments (I don’t think the Marxists are leaving Writers’ building this year either) are allowed to be showcased. At Hyderabad, YSR asks if he too could walk the ramp as he has walking experience of over 1600 KMs. At Bangalore, every alternate model is accompanied by a bearded baby elephant a.k.a Vijay Mallya. Walk the good times!
  1. Low-cost no frills show would be held at tier-2 cities like Hubli, Vijayawada, Madurai, Kanpur, Sholapur, Asansol, Raipur. In these shows models bring their own cloths and visitors their own chairs. Tea and snacks would be sold inside the auditorium.
  1. Kinky Narula presents, our very own desi lingerie collection, “Noorjahan’s Secret”. The following evening NotSoNeat Verma accuses Kinky Narula that the blue g-string with Zardosi was actually his and Kinky stole it when he gave it to the hotel laundry. Kinky retaliates saying it was a woman’s garment and questions what NotSoNeat was doing with that. Rajdeep Sardesai asks the viewers to SMS him whether Kinky was guilty.
  1. Subburami Reddy and Amar Singh walk the ramp. Of course, after Sorabjee, Jethmalani and Jaitley assure them that it would not be an office-of-profit.
  1. Sultry Goel’s collection is a huge hit. But after buying , her customers call back to ask for instruction on how to wear them. The outfits had too many pieces and each smaller than the other.
  1. Hutch launches 24-hour value added service to get the latest updates on models’ whose cloths malfunctioned. Calling charges Rs 60/min, provided you get through the line.
  1. At Praveen Togadia’s maiden show, models walk out in protest after he asks them to wear cloths that go below the knees and elbows. Models fear that it could lead to asphyxiation due to lack of venti(til)lation. Brinda Karat joins them saying the Govt. should bring suitable legislation to prevent such health hazards at working places.
  1. Lorry launches a special collection for the Haryana Police to prevent Gurgaons and Faridabads. The shirts would be customizable to restrict the movement of hand.
  1. Two women are hospitalized after they got scared at the Demonish Horrora’s collection.
  1. As a grand finale, CanU SeeTheGirl launches a radical genre of Malfunction fits. These cloths come with stealth strings, which can be used to create ‘accidental’ show downs at the required moment. Hutch network collapses.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

OBC Reservation - Replies to the Editor

The following are the letters that appeared in The Hindu yesterday. Surprisingly, not a single letter was in favour of the proposed OBC reservation. It seems to be consistent with the latest biased reporting of The Hindu. OK, that would make the topic for another post. For now here are my responses to the letters.
The report that the Human Resource Development Ministry is considering the Mandal Commission formula of 27 per cent reservation for the Backward Classes in Central educational institutions, IITs, and IIMs is shocking. It comes at a time when India is ready to take off as an economy. The proposal, if implemented, will harm the very institutions that have contributed the most towards India's resurgence.
Reservation is the easy way out for successive governments that have failed to provide infrastructure at the grassroots to the backward communities to improve their competitiveness. The move will affect the quality of engineers and managers in future.
Shubhasish Chattoraj,
Kharagpur, W.B.
But the quality of our engineers and managers would remain intact when seats are bought with huge capitation fees. Right?
The furore over the proposal is quite justified. If a student ought to be recognised, it should be on the basis of his merit alone. One of the reasons for the dilution of standards in education is the quota system.
We Indians bemoan the constant exodus of bright students to countries abroad. But if a student's merit cannot secure for him a seat in the premier institutions of his country, he is perfectly justified in leaving for distant shores.
Anuradha Rajan,
Bangalore
Even otherwise no one is staying back here. Majority of them migrate for money. A few for better opportunities in terms of research and quality of education. I am yet to see someone who goes to the US Embassy because he just lost his seat due to reservations.
While our politicians have not proactively invested in capital assets like new institutes of higher education, they have no qualms about robbing seats in the name of social justice, discounting merit in the process, and pushing India further into the abyss of policy-induced incompetence. Discounting merit is no way to become a global knowledge society.
K. Chandrasekar,
Chennai
Where did these IITs, IIMs come from? They were established by the Government with the tax payers’ money. Taxes that were collected on every bar of soap and packet of salt that the teeming millions paid even during their poverty. Taxes that were collected with the promise that they too would have a share in fruits of development. Taxes that were collected 50 years ago when they were poorer than they are now. How much have these investments benifited the poor?

What do you call the numerous Kalinga Nagars and Gangavarams. It is today, after the terms such as “sustainable development”, “equitable growth” etc have become popular, that people are raising the issues of displacement and rehabilitation. The injustices of Bhakra Nangal or Nagarjuna Sagar are so bad, that the Government doesn’t even have a record of its rehabilitation program. So the foundation of the modern prosperity has been built on perpetuating poverty. Let us acknowledge and take affirmative action against that.

Robbing people of their lands and shooting at them is development. But upliftment of depressed sections and ensuring their assimilation into the mainstream is robbery. And what about the “policy-induced incompetence” of those “modern temples of humanity” which were supposed trickle down benefits. They couldn’t even trickle down water for drinking.
How long are we going to continue widening the reservation net? IITs, IIMs, and other such institutions have built a brand image with their outstanding quality — as reflected by recent mega salary offers to IIM graduates. If governments in the last six decades have not been able to bridge disparities and remove backwardness, surely the reservation policy is flawed or there has been lack of sincerity. Let us not politicise education for narrow ends.
Air Cmde (retd.) Raghubir Singh,
Pune
To say that the image of an institution shall be determined merely by their output is akin to rating a country by its per capita or a corporation by its profits. We have moved into an era where judgments are no more made by a single criterion, output. For a nation, the distribution of income is as important as its per capita. Similarly, for a corporation, it contribution to the society is as important as its profits. No wonder CSR is the buzzword these days. In the same length, for any institution aspiring to be world-class, it is important that there is diversity and inclusivity in its members.
Thanks to our politicians' lack of imagination and competence, reservation has been politicised to the extent where even honest and legitimate criticism is branded as anti-people. Why should the son of a doctor alone become a doctor was the question asked before the introduction of the reservation policy. Strangely the position is the same even after 60 years of implementation of this policy.
At this rate, even 100 years of reservation are not going to achieve the objective of the policy.
S. Rajagopalan,
Chennai
It is foolish to expect the injustice of 2500 years to be undone in 60 years. If anything, the inequalities have further widened in these 60 years. For 2500 years, they were made to suffer silently and you get impatient in a mere 60 years.
The move is far removed from the ground reality. Had reservation helped the children of my gardener, domestic help or driver get quality higher education, it would have made sense. The primary education system is such that their children drop out much before being able to benefit from reservation at college level.
Today those who get admission to colleges through reservation hail from a good socio-economic background, as they are second- or third-generation beneficiaries. The Government should instead focus on primary education.
Parul Bajaj,
Faridabad, Haryana
Yes. They all would have got better education if we had told them about the provisions and schemes available. If we had helped them to fill the applications. If we had taken the trouble to know the details and procedures to avail the benefits and inform them. If we had not let our miserliness appoint a child/adolescent for our chores, when he/she should have been at the school. Let us honestly admit. We don’t do anything for the depressed classes. And no scheme succeeds without people’s participation. We shift the responsibilties of policy formulation, information dissemination, efficient implementation etc to the Government. Then let them do their job to best of their abilities and resources.

Focus on primary education?

Every one knows that perfection is a mirage and in India, an impossibility. Diverting the attention to primary education, is just a tactic to delay reservations indefinitely. First, you would say primary and then secondary and by the time they achieve proficiency in that, the disparities would widened beyond repair. In any case, more than 70% of our Government's efforts go into primary education.

What one needs to understand is success of primary education is related to host of factors. It is not that you establish a school and ask students to attend. It is inherently linked to various socio-economic factors. We need multi-pronged approach to tackle it and reservations in educational institutes is one among them.
The proposal is in line with the vote-bank politics of the government of the day. If implemented, it will frustrate the youth. Students who have hitherto landed jobs on merit will get demoralised as their opportunities are sought to be curtailed.
Sankalp Shrivastav,
Karaikal, Pondicherry
Hold a referendum and this policy would get a thumping majority. Not the first-past-pole majority with which the MPs who voted for this constitutional amendment got elected. This is democracy, not vote-bank politics. The greatest good of the greatest number is the founding principle of any democracy. It is easy to blame the politicians. But we should know that they know the real India than any of the readers of English dailies.

The IIMs want to go global, increase their intake, but wouldn’t like to share a few seats for their own countrymen.

The corporate India is crying horse about merit. If they are so concerned, why don’t they establish their own institutes? They have been the single largest beneficiary of the elite education institutes. What has been their contribution to the Indian education system?

How much of funds have flown into the SSA or the Prarambhik Siksha Kosh? All that is given is to the elite institutes which anyway have a lot of funds. Again a class divide there. But even that pales in comparison to the Americans .

Every form of engineering, be it economic, political or scientific, redesigns the system for the greater good by adversely affecting a few. Similarly, social engineering would also call for the sacrifice of a few. And we should accept that just as we did not reject the previous processes.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Economic Survey 2005-2006

Lyndon Johnson once said that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg. It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else. But reading economics is just the other way round. It seems hot to others, but not you. Unfortunately, this week I faced a Hobson’s choice of reading the Economic Survey 2005-2006.

Now, don’t get scared. I am not going to give you any prodigal prophesies of the Indian Economy that I derived from the report. I am too dumb to do that. I am just going to tell you how the report on one of the most watched economies of the world is defended from being read. Yes, how the Finance Minister (Henceforth to be called as FM) and his team makes lives of innocent people like me really miserable.

Essentially, the report has two levels of defense. The outer line of defense is the presentation [Strategy 1 and 2], while verbal jugglery [Strategy 3, 4 and 5]is the inner one. The first one aims at preventing you from reading, while the second one ensures that you don’t get the picture, even if you read. Not even a faint one.

Strategy 1: All the statistical tables are to be compiled and published at the end

When those creatures appear together, they look more repulsive and no one dares to even see them, let alone read. The fonts should be microscopic to ensure that the person who reads would require a Braille version of the report next year. As many entries as possible should have superscripts like @,#,$,* etc. If you have exhausted that, then you can go for numbers. You have infinite of them.

My personal suggestion: To make the tables more disgusting, centre justify the figures. That would cause the decimal points to appear at different locations in a column, making comparisons more confusing.

Strategy 2: Avoid using reader-friendly visual statistical representation

The report has just 17 graphs and 0 pie-chart. Compare this to the 63 tables in the report and another 117 pages for tables in the appendix.

The Lesson: Make the report utterly boring and optically dangerous, by avoiding diagrams and filling it up with infinite tables with the data. For effective effects, use font size 2.

Strategy 3: Show Potentials in Failures

In 2005-06, while the direct transfers from State Governments to SEBs was Rs.11,562 crore, an uncovered subsidy of Rs.15,987 crore remained, indicating the large potential that reforms have in improving not only the electricity sector itself but also the fiscal position of the States. – Pg-177.

Electricity reforms were initiated in many states ages ago. In some like Andhra Pradesh, they began as early as 1999. More than half a decade. And still you have uncovered subsidies. That means tardy implementation. But our FM sees “large potential”. Is that what they teach at the Harvard?


Strategy 4: When comparing, use the lowest figures of your predecessor, even if the performance in all the other years were better yours

Expenditure on the social sector as a proportion of GDP has also gone up from 5.68 per cent in 2003-04 to 5.81 per cent in 2005-06 (BE). – Pg - 205

The NDA government’s spending (as a proportion of GDP) in the years 2000-01, 2001-02 and 2002-03 were much higher than the present Government. But the FM chooses the lowest figure in the previous regime to make the comparison. Further, NDA’s are actual figures, where as this is just Budget Estimates. But who cares. The Finance Ministry is so confident about Indians’ Arithmophobia that they would not look up to the tables even when the corresponding text is given right below.

Strategy 5: Liberally use various adjectives for the figures like, Actuals, Budget Estimate, Revised Estimate, Provisional, Quick Estimates to confuse people

NPE 1986 had set a goal of expenditure on education of 6 per cent of the GDP. As against this target, the combined total expenditure on education by Central and State Governments was 3.49 per cent of GDP in 2004-05(BE).– Pg -210

Wondering where that figure “3.49” propped up from?. After all, it is not there in any of the columns in the above table. Well, 3.49% is the Budget Estimate, while the table gives you Revised Estimate for 2004-05. What was the necessity to use the Budget Estimate when the Revised Estimate for the year was available? It is plain statistical fraud.

I understand that the publication is intended for an economist. But, when we talk of transparent administration, simpler procedures and effective communication, I expect that a report of such importance should be presented in a manner where any person with basic knowledge of arithmetic would be able to get the broad picture. I am sure it would not cost them a bomb to a) Increase font size of data b) Use more pie-charts and bar graphs to enable easy comparisons c) Print additional 10 or 20 pages explaining the terms and acronyms used in simpler language. It is high time that our kids are released from the fear of mathematics and our adults from that of economics.

What is worse is that it has become a vehicle for political propaganda by using mischievous comparisons and deceptive terms.

P.S. Now don’t feel the survey is absolutely boring. It has its own genre of practical jokes.

Construction work at greenfield airports of international standards at Hyderabad and Bangalore has commenced. The two airports are likely to be operational by the middle of 2008. – Pg-193

And one exclusively for Bangloreans.

The Government of Karnataka proposed Bangalore MRTS with East-West (18.1 Km.) and North-South (14.9 km.) metro corridors. The project proposal was considered by the Public Investment Board (PIB) which cleared it for an estimated current cost of Rs.5,453 crore with a Government of India participation of 20 per cent. The matter is being placed before Cabinet Committee on Economic Affairs (CCEA). Meanwhile a Group of Ministers has been set up to decide upon the gauge and legal issues for various Metro Railway projects.-Pg-198

OK. You are asking me when that would be? That would be on Date of Inauguration of Bangalore Airport + 420 years. Provided Kumarappa’s son does not dislodge him and, the “Group of Ministers” are not disqualified or do not resign due to some sting operation or office-of-profit bogey.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Aditya - The Telugu (Mu)sick Channel

OK, guys. I can’t take this anymore.

Everything about the channel is gaudy. The sets, the VJs, their wardrobe. The backgrounds are those free aqua screensavers which are offered free by pop-ups. Occasionally the fishes change. Nothing more. R-9000 series of shops or Funtoosh seems to sponsor the wardrobe for the female VJs. Her colours remind me about the walls of my playschool. And her fits are a nihilism to the fashion industry. She has redefined the concept of Anti-fits. Even women naxalites in Adilabad district have better fits. And her voice? It sounds as if her larynx has a permanent coat of sawdust.

The callers would begin speaking only after a half-a-dozen “Hellos” by the VJs, which sound like the Telengana version of “Smells like a teen spirit”. May be Cobain knew this and hence decided to die. And the callers? The lines of Aditya channel are part of a CUG. The same people keep calling at morning, afternoon, evening, night, midnight, yesterday, today, and tomorrow and even in 2020. Infact, the VJs have propounded a new theory that that if you call once, then it is always easy to get connected subsequently.

We can understand family doctors, family attorneys and even family plumbers. But family VJs? That is what they translate into. The callers are so few and so frequent, that the VJs enquire about the engagement of their uncle’s cousin’s father-in-law’s second wife’s fourth’s son. The chatter, banter (if you can find a shittier form of speech, please substitute that) would then continue to enquire whether the potatoes for the dinner were peeled or mashed. After that, every homo sapien in their home would talk to the VJ. If one of them is answering a nature’s call, then the VJ would talk to the dog, till he returns. Probably, the callers and VJs are parallel cousins. Else, who would call those lousy idiots.

And the reasons for dedications are frustratingly silly. A guy calls up and asks the VJ to wish his friend success in the next days’ exam. Where the heck will “success” come if both are hooked to the TV? You should slap the caller twice. Once for thinking that wishes for examinations could be given through songs. And again for choosing Aditya TV. To rise to the IQ levels of the caller, the VJ plays a hot, uncensored, steamy song for the occasion. I am sure both would be fiddling their groins next day. I pity the evaluator who corrects the script.

The program where request letters are read is another trauma. The bloke who reads or tries to read wears a purple shirt, which even a brinjal will puke at. And the letters? Ahh, what a pain they are. The first paragraph reads like “About Us” page on an under-construction matrimonial website and the last one goes on to dedicate the song to every alternate person in the telephone directory.

My unshaken belief is that the letters have just two lines, “Anna, zarrrra Samarasimha Reddy cinema nundi aa Lux Paapa paata veyya radhe. Maa inti kaada maa thammunki, baavaki, akkaki inka maa kukka ki aa paata ante masthu isshhtam.” (Brother, play the song “Lux Paapa from the movie “Samarasimha Reddy. My sister, brother and my dog like it). I know that was not the best of telangana, but something similar to that would be there on the letter. The first and the last paragraphs are actually added by the dispatch clerks of the administrative wing. But even that they cant do convincingly. Some of the letters are read for such a long time that you wonder if so many words could be fit on an A4 sheet without becoming microscopic. At least the bloke who is reading could pretend to turn the pages.

The moron then seeks to clarify certain ‘doubts’. A sample: “While writing pet names, please write in Telugu. You have written “Pandu”. I wonder if should pronounce it as ‘Pandu’ or ‘Paandu’”. Mere Baap, It is fine as long as you don’t pronounce it as Gaandu.

You tolerate all this hoping for some nice song. In all probability, the song would be from a dubbed Tamil movie. And even those Urdu speaking Hyderabadis, who never speak Telugu even if their bottoms are burning, would know that the movie was neither dubbed nor released. Kalanidhi Maran, at his stingy best, dubs the songs at Gemini TV studios in Somajiguda. Probably, that is one reason why Aditya TV has the distinction of being the only music channel in the world which does not display song credits.

This channel is sooooooooo sick that you cant even watch the commercials. Till date I thought Jaya TV had the worst sponsors and ads. But, seems (Karuna and Kala)Nidhi wont let any distinction, good or bad, go to Amma. Consider this. The sponsor of Prema Kosamai is Suguna Water Pumps. So when a romantic song ends, you would find a farmer pumping (don’t ask me what) and then suddenly his wife gets an electric pump and they are happy ever after. The others are no better. Bromark Chicken, F***all Iron Rods, Playboy Matrimonial Service……

I hope, as an Ugadi gift, Maran would please take the channel off the air.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

AP Budget 2006-07 - Parliamentary Heist

Over the next 12 months, the Andhra Pradesh government is going to spend Rs. 63,683 crores of public money. And no one is going to ask how, why and where the money is going to go. Agreed that the Assembly was stalled by the Opposition on Gangavaram incident. Agreed that April 1st was nearing and the Government needed money to carry on. But what was the need to pass the whole budget in such a hurried fashion? Why couldn’t the Finance Minister, Rosiah, who fancies wearing honesty on his sleeves, collar and all over his kurta, pass a vote-on-account instead? Even in the event of non-disruption of the house, the budget could in no way be discussed in such a short span of time. It is a convention at the Centre that the Parliament passes a vote-on-account budget to release funds for two months, during which the budget proposals are discussed in greater detail. YSR & Co has taken AP government to the pinnacle financial impropriety. All that I would now pray is that he wouldn’t come up with supplementaries later this year. And let us hope that next year we would have atleast a discussion, if not a debate, on the budget.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Crystal blur: Vyasa's dissertation

Crystal blur: Vyasa's dissertation

Check this out. The epic tale, MegaIndia... err..... Mahabhartha (the neo style of the post seems to have rubbed off on me).

Work Spoiler Warning:

Don't blame if you are going to leave all your work and end up reading those posts.

And if you like those posts, then please keep checking my blog regularly even if I dont make posts. It is optional for you to leave a comment at Crystal Blur.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Rajas and Rani

Couple of nights ago, I switched on the Rascal Box (it has become too unscrupulous to be called idiot anymore), just as I do during my dinners. I began scanning through the news channels for some quality entertainment. Yes. That’s where we find wholesome entertainment these days. Dowry deaths for drama, corporate clashes for conniving plots, rath yatras for religion, and most important of all, sex scandals for, obviously, sex. All replete with live cameras and even more livelier anchors.

But I dint find any of them. All channels were showing just one thing. Rani Mukherji. Her careergraph, filmography, accolades and awards (or rather rewards) won, footages of her life, clips of her movies. Considering none of her movies released this week nor did she win any award, “Good God”, I thought, “Rani Mukherji passed away”. So young and so soon. I was desperately waiting for the information on the cause of death. But, there was none. Only more footage, clippings and trivia. As I frenetically started surfing the channels in a hope of getting more information, I began to wonder how she could have died. It would have been an accident or a suicide. Celebrities have a very limited choice with death. So not many of my grey cells were busy with the kind of death. They were busy figuring out the modus operandi.

Jumping of a high rise building, seemed one good possibility. It has all the ingredients for a celebrity death. Drama (any death has it), melodrama (film stars’ death would ooze out this), action (a performance without the stuntman), adventure (what could be more adventurous than a truly freefall bungee jump). And Mumbai has the required infrastructure, both in quantity and distribution.

Or may be it was simple bottle of poison or a noose. Though that would be a silent exit, yet we have often seen that silence makes the loudest of statements. Infact, the silence gives the sounds of gossip enough maneuverability.

As my mind was racing with these thoughts, the scrollbars at every channel were full of ‘obituary messages’. “We love you Rani…… Your films are evergreen … and Dad, if you are watching this, please get home a bulb. The one in the bathroom has fused out – Rahul”. Wow. Was that an obituary message or an satellite SMS? The next one was even more dramatic. “Rani, you would always stay in our hearts. – Yudi, Bheem, Arzghun, Knoacul, S.Dev, Drone-yo-dhan, and 100 brothers” Well, family planning has long way to go. Then there were some in Urdu, Tamil, Santhali, Dogri and Bahasa Indonesia. Bollywood has truly gone tribal and global, both at the same time. Incredible.

Before my thoughts could race further, the newsreader announced that it was Rani’s birthday.

Incidentally, a man who was instrumental in bringing peace to insurgent Assam, Bhrigu Kumar Phukan, passed away at Delhi the previous night. At Chennai, the fate of hundreds of students became uncertain after their courses were threatened with potential de-recognition. At Hyderabad, parliamentary etiquettes sunk into abyssal depths after Chandrababu Naidu resorted to lying on the floor of the Legislative Assembly. In Bangalore, the Legislative Council was discussing about administrative corruption in the context of recent raids on police officials. Elsewhere, the world was preparing to commemorate the World Water Day (22 March) by planning numerous conferences, meets, rallies and other events to warn the doomsday predictions.

But all our news channels allocate 30 minutes of their primetime to celebrate the birthday of an actress who is yet to complete a decade of her career. Beam news such as this and then blame the voters for criminalization and communalization of politics. Blame society for apathy towards women related crimes, when this is the feminist coverage they give. Raj(a)deep Sardesais, Raja(t) Sharmas, and all of their clan, you don’t seem to have learnt your mistakes. You are still committing the same “Cardinal Sin”.

Update: Seems there are news worse than this. Especially the one on sighting Yama.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Minority Wins

Communal voting of ignorant masses, they say, is the secret of BJP’s electoral success. Then was the success of Congress and Communists a child of intellectual and informed voting? Simple statistics say otherwise. Decline of Congress’ vote share and adult illiteracy has been parallel. While Congress and other parties criticized, BJP is condemned. Even the allies of BJP, some as unscrupulous as DMK, still treat it as ideologically untouchable. It is depressing that in an age that is supposed to be the pinnacle of rational thought, discussions and debates on the rights of the Majority are done not with the mind, but with hearts.

Why is secularism a responsibility of the majority while unlawful, and often violent, demonstration, a right of the minorities? A handful of cartoons have taken the world by storm. But here we have an acclaimed Muslim painter who refuses to cloth Hindu deities. Artistic freedom they say. What prevents his “artistic freedom” from painting a nude Fatima? We don’t have any Fatwas against him. Why? Minority Rights.

Our secularism has reached such heights that while Lal Kishen could be stop Lalu Prasad, no one could stop the provoking speeches by Owaisis at Hyderabad’s Jama Masjid on the eve of Bush visit. This is the same city whose Police Commissioner was pushed around in his own office by burkha-clad women for arresting person linked with LeT. And the women got away with their hooliganism. Why? Minority Rights.

Let me make it plain that I am no pracharak for the Sangh Privar. Get me an EVM now and my finger would, in all probability, would go away from BJP. I have neither forgotten their communal canards nor forgiven their political pogroms. But what appalls me is that except the members of the Sangh Parivar, we don’t find a single soul who would recognize the rights of majority.

Those 7+ million swayamsevaks, of whom 4+ million religiously attend the Shakhas everyday, are neither fools nor mindless rioters. Their discipline and commitment, which is espoused through their work in tribal, rural and disaster-affected areas are never acknowledged. Our “erudite” sociologists never talk about the contribution of RSS. Its Vanvasi Kalyan Kendras in the tribal areas and Ekla Vidyalayas or single-teacher schools in several villages are no objects of fiction like the state-run schools. Yet, their work is reviled as Sankritisation of the tribals, while the work of Christian missionaries in North-east is hailed.

The socio-culture impact of the RSS’ field work and their political motive is the favorite topic for research and desertion for students and academics alike. I appreciate the pains taken by them to reach god forsaken corners of this country and enlighten us about their hidden agenda. But wouldn’t it be great for these to equally enlighten us about the manichaean of the Madrassas in their neightbourhood. Why is that everything that the RSS does is bad, while similar acts when replicated by minorities hailed?


Why does the phrase “Majority Rights” sound as an oxymoron in this country? Does a majority community have no rights? More importantly, should a majority community not have rights? No. Every community, irrespective of its demographic proportions, has a right to preserve and promote its way of life. If numerical preponderance is a symbol of security in itself, then why do Indians have Fundamental Rights. After all, Indians are an absolute majority in India. The reason lies in the fact that despite their numerical strength, the interests of every community, be it religious, regional or national, suffers from an inherent danger of being compromised by vested interests. And this has been precisely happening in subtle forms with the Hindus. Hence there is nothing to ashamed for any majority to assert its rights. There is no need, cultural, ethnical or ethical, for it to sacrifice its rights to favour the propagation of other communities.

The Samajwadi Party rakes up Muslim passions, Congress massacred Sikhs and innumerable other parties indulge in communal politics. But unfortunately, it is conveniently forgotten that rousing the passions of any religious group is as communal as rousing the passions of Hindus. It is time that the self-appointed guardians of all communities should be accorded equal respect and be judged by same yardsticks and the same history.

Update: As I was surfing through various sites in search of pictures, I found this blog. I haven't read it fully nor do I endorse all that it says. But it does give interesting alternative views.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Sania Mirza - Third Round Rubicon

Sania out of Pacific Open. Well no one seems to be bothered as long as her shirt and skirts are open. Did you say that it sounds derogatory? The innumerable unsolicited forwards of her pictures that every guy gets in his mailbox ratifies what I said. And that’s the truth. Please don’t tell me that she created new found craze for tennis among kids and youth. Paes and Bhupathi should have inspired more with their half-a-dozen Grand Slams. And our sweet Sania adamantly refuses to violate the self-imposed fatwa of “Third Round Rubicon”. But thanks to her, we now know about so many exotic opens. Earlier, the only ones we knew were the Australian, French and the US. Our own Hyderabad, where the only knowledge of tennis comes from the usage to tennis balls to play indoor cricket in order to avoid collateral damage, has also had its Open. Such a Open and so open that even those applied for passes got wildcards. Of course, Sania won. The only one which she had won. I guess she too contracted from the fear of foreign lands from our cricket team. Cant blame the little girl for that.

No. I am not into Sania bashing as my knowledge on tennis is as poor are Inzamam’s knowledge of English. And of course she is blessed with the bountiful availability of time on her side to prove her mettle. But the coverage she gets is a trifle irritating. After Indira Gandhi she must be the only Indian female whose loss makes as much news as her victory. And its not just the media, the Government has fallen for it. I am not contesting the Government’s decision to confer upon her Padma Shri. When Kissinger can get a Nobel and MGR a Bharat Ratna, anyone can get anything. But what is appalling is the neglect of other young promising sportsmen. Are the feats of Harikrishna and Humpy in any manner less accomplished? Yet everyone knows the struggle they face for funding their training, leave alone recognition and brand endorsement. Well, guess they need to hone their “attitude” and wear better t-shirts to press meets.

It is time that Government and media stop drooling over glamour in sports, which is incidentally the monopoly of sexually frustrated Indian adolescents, and put their efforts in a manner the ownership and control of the sports resources of the community are so distributed as best to subserve the common good; that the operation of the Ministry of Sports and Youth Development does not result in the concentration of wealth and means of sponsorship to the common detriment. Does it sound constitutional? Well, it is. But that part which isn’t justiciable.

Anyways, lets keep our fingers crossed. Not for those underprivileged sportspersons. Not for Sania to win. But for Sports Illustrated to cover her. They did a good job with Kuronikova and Sharapova. And I am sure the Indian has more talent to showcase. The Opens? Aah.. They can wait and in any case none of us are going to get a pie out of the prize money or any tax benefits.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Soulful Success

To have succeeded

To laugh often and love as much;
To win the respect of intelligent people
And the affection of children;
To earn the approbation of honest critics
And endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others;
To give one’s self;
To leave the world a little better,
Whether by a healthy child,
A garden patch,
Or a redeemed social condition;
To have played and laughed with enthusiasm
And sung with exultation;
To know even one life has breathed easier
Because you have lived

This is to have succeeded.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson


From Scars to Stigmata.....A journey in solitude

It seems strange that of all movies “Anand” gives Him so much peace. He always knew it was a feel-good movie. But never thought that it would become such an important movie in his course of life. He remembered how much it healed him when he first saw. That day too it helped him to calm down and find peace and empathy. And now, when he required more healing than ever before, it has quietly scaled up its healing powers than ever before. He found himself truly blessing her when he sees this movie.

He can identify with that particular frame when Anand sees Roopa for the first time at her marriage. The smile on his face says it all. Yes, one does find a gleam of attraction for her in his eyes. But before he can fully let the joy of beauty seep into him, he remembers that it is her marriage and that lovingly reassuring smile lets us know how happy he is for her. May be those 15 seconds is the best visual essay on His experience. If someone wanted Him to share his experience with her, then the most succinct, yet the most realistic, description would be those 15 seconds. He met her, got attracted, went ahead, but then suddenly realised that she was not his and now, he is just smiling and truly blessing that she should find happiness in whomever she chooses.

He now feels that he should watch Anand again and again. It helps him to come out from the miasma of hatred in which he is putrefying. The simplicity of Anand teaches him to look for beauty in small things in life – splash of rain, early morning winter sun, chatter of kids, company of friends, joy of music etc. But above all, Anand showcases that immense beauty of life limping back to normalcy from a disaster. Or may be that is what is appealing the most to him in the movie. He now understands. That day, he saw the movie from the perspective of Anand. Now, he feels the movie through the heart of Roopa. How her life slowly begins to get better. It is like the beautiful sunrise, where the sun slowly attains its golden luster. How horrible would it be if the sun rose in five minutes?

Life is always good when it moves slowly. May be, that is one reason why He doesn’t have great inkling for the fast-paced American lifestyle. Life in slow motion helps you catch a glimpse of every subtle gesture, every little expression and every small incident. After all, the bliss of life lies in these momentary nuances, which might be lost into the eternity of time if we bat our eyelids. These are the moments, which rekindle in us humility, love and forgiveness, the divine traits which often get shrouded by human emotions and undue attachments. This slow limping back is a catharsis into itself. A catharsis that washes every corner of his heart. A catharsis that makes him aware of those impurities in him. A catharsis that fills him with sublime joy of life.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

THE MAN CODE

So it has been written, so it shall be ...The CODE

1. Thou shall NEVER rent the movie, "Chocolate".

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a mate's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not, and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a mate out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 4000 percent).

7. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another bloke who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 screwable babe scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a mate's refrigerator is forbidden. You may whinge only if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a mate's birthday is strictly optional and probably shows you are a poofter.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your mate is trying to crack on to is your legal duty. Should you lose all sense of perspective and get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your mate is forbidden to speak of it, even at your
bachelor party.

12. Before dating a mate's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate a deep knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean and down a six-pack.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for mates who help you move is beer, and more beer.

16. A man must never own a cat, or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whingey friend up with your mate, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your mate and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood or shipping out to the Antarctic or Alaska.

19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless babe with huge bazookas ... and it's free.

20. Unless you're in prison, you never, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must ALWAYS remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a mate is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this bloke needs is a bloody good boot up the arse!", then you may sit back and enjoy.

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice arse. Are you a Sagittarius?"

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last party pie, but NEVER both.
That's just plain shitbag mean.

25. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, for your sake, you better be referring to his beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in heaping shit on a mate, except when she's withholding sex depending on your response.

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

28. If a mate is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him ... much too poofy!

29. Never spew in a mate's car after a big gutful of beer. Always make the effort to throw out the window.

30. A mate's missus is totally off-limits for screwing, unless he invites you to screw her, and he joins you and watches.

Disclaimer: This was a forward mail.

Where did I go?


OK, I can hear people now asking me, "Why the hell a blog when you cant even make a post once a month?". Now, don't remind me of the truth no one has ever visited my blog, let alone comment on it or worry about the lack of updates. And infact, the servers were happy that they dint have to host another dozen bytes of junk. Yes. I have achieved new levels of despicability that not just humans, horses and house-flies, but even inanimate objects like servers, screens and CDs have also began to get disgusted with me.

I was pleasantly surprised that this blog still existed despite my inactivity for over 2 months. Probably, the guys who run this are as lazy as I am. As you might guessed from by now from my incoherent, inane and insipid statements, that I wouldn't have reason, substantial or otherwise, for not posting anything. And, of course you are right.

Just like a lot of other things I do, this blogging too was a creation of my impulse to do something which I always wanted to do, but ended up postponing for the day when girls can dress faster than the time involved in making the dress. But then finally the day did come! Yes. Mallika Sherawat proved me wrong and I ended up starting this blog.

But then little were I to realise that something that was triggered by Ms. Sherawat would end up having her stamp all along. No wonder my postings are as sparse and scanty as her patches of linen. So now you know whom to blame for my meager postings.